( Kettle whistling )
( Crunching )
Dad, the problem is,
There's just no work right Now in my chosen field.
You still-- let me see if I have this right--
You wanna be a daredevil ?
Yeah, yeahl, I wanna be a daredevil.
Do you read The want ads, ben ?
Do you read them ?
Yeah, of course i read The want ads, dad.
I read 'em every day.
And... And...
And what exactly Is a "gal friday" ?
That's not for you.
What do you Look under, exactly,
When you read the ads, What category ?
Do you look Just under "daredevil" ?
Okay, dad.
Ben, Where are you going ?
I'm going back to bed.
Ben, what about--
Remember we had this talk About the master plan ?
I knew when I was ten years old
That i wanted to be A psychiatrist.
Ten years old, But when i was 20,
When i finished college,
I took work...
As a pimp, I had to.
There was Nothing out there.
( Snickering )
No, when I was 20 years old,
I went to work in My father's factory.
Yeah ?
And for four years, I worked in a factory.
I worked my way up, initially From the elevator operator
To the point where I was supervising
The elevator operators.
Was it a manual ?
No, it was An automatic.
Oh, good. But, uh...
Well, ben, Get some sleep.
And you know what ? Thanks.
Jeez, where did you Put my magic wand
So that i can Clear the table for us.
That's very funny, dad.
Why don't you at least put Your damn dish in the sink ?
Would you do that for me ?
Well, you know, I mean, i will, okay,
And i do The dishes every day.
I don't see you ever Doing the dishes.
Where do you go To do the dishes ?
'Cause you certainly Don't do 'em here.
You know, dad, maybe you Could do the dishes today
And i'll do 'em tomorrow.
Maybe we should have A schedule or something,
Because that's the way It used to be.
That seems Fair enough, ben.
Yeah.
Yeah, i'll go To work for ten hours,
Come home, make dinner, And do the dishes--
Oh, dad, let's face it, What do you--
Do you want me to wake you up When i come home from work ?
I gotta get going-- Let's make up, please.
I don't wanna go to Work in this mood.
Can't we please argue for, Like, another two minutes ?
Ben, ben, at 9:00, i'm gonna Be sitting face to face
With an adult Who thinks that his feet
Are not yet finished, Okay ?
His feet aren't finished ?
That's what he thinks.
He says his feet Are not finished.
That's his big fear.
I don't know, either.
All i know is i Gotta get out of this mood.
I gotta start thinking About him and my work
And give me A hug and let's, let's...
Let's be pals, okay ?
Who loves you ? I...
Who loves you ? Um...
Who loves you ? I... I...
I do, you big lug.
Oh, is that-- okay.
It's not A trick question.
Laura, i need a copy of the Updated schedule in my office,
And why don't You hang onto a copy ?
What ?
I said i need a-- What ?
Copy of the updated--
Wait, hold on-- what ?
The updated schedule--
Listen, Can i call you back ?
'Cause i'm on the phone.
I... Yeah, i guess so.
Um, should i just Sit down ?
( Laughing nervously )
Um, is there Something i could read,
Or just something i could Look at or read ?
Is there anything from, You know, that i could read ?
Here, take this.
Thanks.
Um... This is A patient's file.
Mm-hm.
It's good, it's good.
Yeah, It's not a bad one.
I don't know if I should be--
That's okay, I do it all the time.
Oh.
I don't know if they've Stopped growing yet.
And how will you know when Your feet are finished ?
When i don't have To wear sandals anymore.
You understand, bill-- But i'm not a podiatrist.
Um...
It sounds Like podiatrist.
Tell me about your wife.
Oh, she's a nurse. Mm-hm.
And she's from canada,
And that's about All i know about her.
I should have asked.
Is it A recurring dream ?
Yes.
Do you... Fantasize about Your mother ?
Did she tell you that ?
Bill, can we talk about Your early sexual experiences ?
Anything that comes To mind is okay.
I remember the first Time i had sex.
Mm-hm.
'Cause I kept the receipt.
That's very sweet.
So you never--
You weren't part of a group Of friends at college ?
College was tough.
I used to wear an earring When i was in college.
You know, not A pierced one-- a clip-on.
One of my mother's big Pearl ones.
Yeah, You would accessorize.
Yeah.
Well, which Came first, bill ?
The earring or The loneliness ?
I mean, do you think that Kept people at a distance ?
Well, i was always shy Around women, you know,
In high school and college.
I mean, today, you know, They call that stalking,
But i was shy.
Hm.
And so is that Why you stopped smoking ?
Yeah.
Well, i think I didn't wanna--
You know, my father Smoked a lot,
And he's been Smoking for years.
He tried to quit-- you know, He tried everything.
He tried hypnosis, And it really didn't take,
And then he tried that thing With all the needles.
What do they call that ?
Heroin ?
He loves it.
He loves it, we can't Get it away from him now.
Well, do you Still enjoy
Spending time with Your father ?
As long as i'm Not driving him anywhere.
Why is that ?
I flunked My driving test twice.
You know, the first Time i flunked--
Once you hit someone, Test over.
The second time i flunked, It was an oral question.
The guy said, "what do You do at a red light ?"
I don't know.
Listen to the radio, Look around.
Can i help you ?
I'm dom irrera.
I'm here to See dr. Katz, please.
Don.
No, dom.
Yeah, don.
Dom, not don.
Not tom, not dan, It's dom, okay ?
Listen, I'm so sick of this.
Every time i call somebody,
It's like, "hi, can you tell Them dom irrera's calling ?"
"Dar ferrera ?"
"No, dom irrera !"
"Dan and mary ?"
"Dom irrera !"
"Donna maria abrogetti ?" "No, dom irrera !"
First time ?
Yeah, And believe me,
I'm not the one that Needs the therapy.
It's my girlfriend.
Yeah, you'll need To fill this out...
Drive me crazy-- Thank you.
I'm just doing this As a show of faith.
I mean, you know What i mean ?
'Cause, between you and me, She is deeply troubled.
I mean, She is, like, sick.
Sick-o, wack-o.
I think This kind of stuff
Maybe you should save For the doctor.
You got Anything to read ?
I'm all set, thanks.
No, i mean for me.
Do you have anything For me to read ?
No.
What are you reading ?
You wouldn't Be interested.
How long you Been working here ?
I've been working here for About, um, four months.
I guess you meet A lot of wackos, huh ?
Um...
Do you think my busts are Too big for a man's ?
Does my face Look bulbous ?
Let me ask you Something, bill--
Whenever you Come here, you always--
You know, you've been To the dentist,
You're on your Way to the dentist.
That seems to be Such a--
I like it.
Well, why is it that you Require so much dental work ?
My teeth are crooked.
You know, i was supposed To get braces
When i was a little kid,
But my parents didn't Have enough money
Left over From their trip.
Hm.
What kind of work did You have done today ?
I had my teeth cleaned-- The dental hygienist ?
Well, that's Part of her job,
And she's digging and Scraping and gouging.
My gums started bleeding.
And she Actually said this.
She said: "do you have A problem with your gums ?
They're bleeding."
"Well, they weren't bleeding When i came in here.
I think You're doing that."
And she wouldn't own up To any responsibility
At all for the bleeding ?
None.
How'd you Like hawaii, bill ?
Hawaii was not what i thought It would be like at all.
You know, i mean, I thought everybody
Would be Wearing grass skirts
And eating Macadamia nuts.
And wearing Those coconut halves
On their breasts, You know,
But, boy, I was the only one.
Did you have a problem With bed wetting
When you were a kid ?
No, not as a kid.
Hey, ben.
Hey, dad, Um...
What's up ?
I got about A minute here before--
You're not gonna believe this, But i think i got a job.
Hey, that's Terrific, ben !
In what field ?
It's, um, Animal husbandry.
You familiar--
Hey, that's great, That is great.
I don't know much about it, But when do you start ?
Um, actually, Probably within two weeks.
Well, that's terrific-- Right here in the city ?
Yeah, it's actually Working at home.
Working at home In animal husbandry ?
I don't follow you.
Well, i'm gonna Order a pig.
A pet pig.
Two pigs, two or Three pigs, dad.
Yeah, i don't think--
I think this is something We need to discuss
In person at home.
Well, it's gonna Be great.
It's a vietnamese Pot-bellied pig,
And you Order it by mail.
It comes from The philippines,
Which is strange, 'Cause it's vietnamese.
Uh-huh. And they send it--
I still don't get how You make money on this.
Well, i can breed them, And then sell the babies.
So you're gonna get a male Pig and a female pig ?
I don't know, I didn't specify.
I guess i'd have to Have a male and a female.
I guess you would.
But that's good, because The pigs are good--
Well, hold on one second.
Laura, can you tell dom i'm Running a little bit late ?
Just a couple of minutes.
Ben ?
Dad, dad, This is a good deal.
I mean, when you--
I mean, i read the Pamphlet about the pigs,
And it says, "work at home, Make money."
These are good things.
That's why--
And how much Would it cost you
To get a pair of These pigs ?
Well, they're listed as $2999...99, per pig.
Round that Off for me, ben.
Just say the figure, What is that ?
Two thousand.
Up. Oh, round it up ?
Up and off.
Yeah, that Would be $3,000.
$3,000 for a pig ?
Per pig, but you Can order in bulk,
And if you get ten pigs,
They take it down Ten percent for you.
You feeling Old today, dom ?
What do you think That's all about ?
My cousin johnny says to me, Like i never notice--
Like, it's Not painful enough,
"Dom, did you lose some Hair on top ?"
No, i went to The barber the other day.
I said, "do me a favor-- will You cut my head in a big v ?
And while you're at it, Give me a little bit
Of that friar tuck Look on the top,
Because the babes go crazy Over that medieval monk look."
You know What i mean, doc ?
Is it me ?
Does it scare you, The idea of aging ?
I don't Mind getting older.
I just hope i don't panic And do something stupid.
What do you mean ?
I don't know-- you ever see Somebody with a toupee
So unbelievably bad You wanna go up to them--
"Hey, you, come here, Gimme that.
"Gimme that thing.
"Who do you think You're fooling, pal ?
"Who do you Think you're fooling ?
"You could have had The decency
"To close the eyes On the little animal
"Who gave up his Furry little life for you,
Mat-head, with this pelt, Look at that face."
Maybe that's The idea, huh ?
You get a toupee That's so bad, nobody cares.
You get one with A chinstrap
And a big label Turned up in the back.
Tell me about your Early childhood.
Whatever comes Into your mind.
Whatever you remember.
I went to Catholic grade school.
The one thing that nuns Hated being called
More than Anything else, doc ?
"My man."
They hated that.
I used to constantly refer To them as "sister my man,"
"My main man, sister."
"Sister-man, My main michael vincent,
My man, sister, My man !"
I would get in a lot Of trouble with that.
( Clucking )
You, hey !
Yes ?
Hi, You must be the--
Laura.
Laura, right, Wow, great.
So... Laura.
What ?
I'm ben.
What can I do for you, ben ?
Ben katz.
You know, I'm dr. Katz's son, ben.
Really ?
Huh, i'm sorry i didn't Realize that he had--
I'm sure He's mentioned me.
He must have...
Actually, I don't think so.
Little benny ? Mmm...No.
Benny-benny ? No.
Los benitos ?
No, he never Mentioned anything.
Hm, um, so...
What ?
You're my Father's receptionist.
Mm-hm.
In a way, we're sort Of related, you and i,
Like siblings Or something,
Because we both work For my dad.
I mean, You're his receptionist,
And i'm his son.
So, you know... Yeah.
Fantastic. Mm-hm.
Super.
Could you go now ?
( Laughing )
Oh, lord.
Do you wanna go out and get A cup of coffee or something ?
Oh, wow, Yeah, i'd love to.
Oh, that'd be great.
Oh, great.
Yeah, um, okay--
So if anyone calls, You just pick up the phone
And you just say, "dr. Katz's Office, please hold."
Press that Button right there.
Well, i was actually--
I won't be long.
What i meant was that i would Treat you to a cup of coffee.
Okay, but could you just Reimburse me when i get back ?
Um... Right, okay.
Did your parents Get along ?
My father, god bless him, Never cheated on my mother.
Used to cheat on me.
Used to pick up Other kids after school.
Take them to the zoo, Take them to play ball.
One day he came to me.
He said, "look, I gotta level with you--
I met another kid, and for The first time in my life,
I feel like a real father."
My mother Stood right by me.
She said, "you're my son, You'll always be my son.
You stay here as Long as you have a job."
This was the treatment I got as a child.
Doc, you could Give a little.
I hurt inside.
It's very, very hard, It's very hard.
I'm sorry, i promised myself I wasn't gonna cry today.
I am so sorry.
That's it, Just let it out, please.
Sometimes when I get like this--
I don't mean to Be rude or anything--
I just wanna lie you flat Down on the ground
And just flop Down on top of you
Like a big pancake And just talk.
What if we just did Some breathing exercises ?
What about you, doc ? What about your needs ?
Do you jazz dance ?
I do tap and i do modern, But i don't do jazz.
Oh, i just do a lot of Interpretive and jazz,
And i was just wondering.
I mean, i know this Is off the subject,
But i look at you, and You're so rhythmic looking.
That shiny head of yours, And the--
I don't think that--
Is this a hernia, doc ? Can you feel this ?
Is this a hernia, a rupture, Or just a general protrusion ?
No, that's, That's your penis, dom.
Does it sound like i got, Like, a rattle in my chest ?
Listen. ( Breathing )
You hear, Like, a wheeze, or--
( Breathing ) You hear that ?
No, i don't hear anything.
Is that bad For you, doc ?
No, i think you can talk Yourself into thinking
You have all kinds Of physical ailments--
Could you die from That, though ?
Could you die from The thought of the talk ?
No.
Doc, do you Ever get so hungry,
You ever just wanna punch Somebody in the face ?
Um...
So mr. Irrera, How was your session ?
I'm better-- I feel great, thanks.
That's wonderful. Wow.
How are you Going to pay ?
He's good.
Uh, pay ?
I'll pay Probably cash, i guess.
Okay, cash is good.
I mean, i got cash, I got loads of cash.
How much is it ?
Yep, that's $150.
Ouch, Could i owe-ski ?
Uh... No.
I'm not asking you To be a phony.
But some Of the people i see
Don't really like Themselves very much,
So we don't wanna reinforce Those feelings.
Who's we ?
I mean...
Look, all i say is, "Have a seat.
He'll be with You in a minute."
If that fills them with Some kind of self loathing,
Then they need help.
Well, couldn't you Make a little effort ?
I don't think You understand.
Do you have Any idea what it's like
To deal with crazy People all day ?
No.
Okay.
I guess i didn't really see it From your vantage point.
Okay. ( Sighing )
( Glass filling up )
What do you know about the Vietnamese pot bellied pigs ?
What don't i know ?
Hm.
No, "pot-bellied pigs" ?
That supposedly is the pig of... The pig du jour.
Um, do they Have pigs in vietnam ?
They do, and they have two Less than they used to,
Because they're gonna be In my apartment any day now.
You know, i would bet the farm That those vietnamese pigs
Are, like, the tiny ones, The miniatures.
'Cause it's A small country.
I don't know.
Ben's convinced we can Get milk from them.
Jeez, that is disgusting.
( Cash register ringing )
You guys Need another round ?
Yeah, can i get A mudslide on the beach ?
Okay.
That's not a drink ?
Maybe... ( Laughing ) Maybe it's a drink.
On the rocks ? Oh, come on.
All right, i'll have just A zinfandel, on the beach.
Stanley, You are just so weird.
( Singing ) * Hey, diddle-deedle-daddle
( Cash register ringing )
I don't know, I'm just thinking of--
What are they called, Diversifying ?
Diversified funds ?
Yeah, diversified is good, But you wanna vary it.
I would say stock Driven mutual funds,
With an apr of Perhaps 6% to 8%.
Should i be Writing this down ?
No. Okay.
I would say you need A diversified portfolio,
And you need to do Stock averaging
And stock cost productions Averaging percentages.
You know, it's Like you're talking
Another language to me.
It makes so little Sense to me.
I know so Little about money.
Uh, no-- i think definitely You need to diversify,
You need Some mutual funds,
Maybe a cd, maybe Just a regular lp.
I just... I just feel like i'm...
Like i'm treading water.
I mean, i'm making Good money.
I'm billing good money, but I don't know where it goes.
You need to pool-- get Everything in the pool,
Uh-huh.
And then diversify.
Well, let me Write that down,
'Cause i'm not gonna Remember this tomorrow.
Pool and diversify.
Pool and diversify, And within a year,
You could have, like, over $100, pure profit, nothing.
All right, maybe you should Call a financial planner.
So you're just Jerking me around ?
You don't really know what You're talking about ?
My heart is in it.
( Cash register ringing )
Toy boat, Toy boat, toy boat.
To boit, to boit, To boit.
One smart fellow, He felt smart.
You know that one ?
One fart smellow.
That's right.
Ah.
Well, you walked Into that one.
You know what i'd like To do right now ?
No, dominic, i don't.
I'd just like to Lay down on top of you.
I'd like to put you flat Down on the floor
And just lie down On top of you, doc.
Flat, level, two guys, Flat, face to face,
And then I'd like to put
A big red flowing chiffon Evening gown on you
And ride You around my house.
Not in a gay way-- Like a viking.
Like only two vikings Who are so secure
In their norse heritage
That they can ride each Other up and down the steps
And not have one tinge Of homosexual panic.
Do you see it ?
You know, like, With me holding the horns
On your metal helmet.
Um...
* That don't make me gay Or nothing, right ?
Oops-- you know What the music means.
Our time is up.
This has been a presentation From comedy central.
Hey ! Hey !